Stories of Kindness from Around the World

where healing can grow. ♥

I wrote to a friend just now, "I wrote to you so much that I decided to turn it into a blog. I will not name you. I know you are a private person. But I wanted you to know. I felt your presence in this loving, understanding, non-judgmental space, and it gave me the clarity to say my truth."

The subject was forgiveness.

(caution triggers)
It was quite astonishing, the way I learned to forgive. I used to have something I called (and now people make fun of this name) a "God Box." It was a little box where I put small, folded pieces of paper all my prayers that were too big for immediate response. I wrote them down and put them in this box.

One of my prayers was, "Please help me to be willing to be willing to forgive (name)." I wrote prayers like this for many people from my life. A friend told me this idea when I expressed anger and hatred toward someone and I really liked it. So I prayed to be willing to be willing.  It was all I could manage at first, but it was a start.  

In c.2009, I found a book called Transformation by Bill Phillips. This was years later. The book is essentially the 12 steps + fitness + nutrition. I had read Bill's books Body-for-Life and Eating-for-Life.  Bill began giving out free chapters of his book on his Transformation.com website before it was published. So I began doing the chapters on repeat. From that year until this one, I have never stopped, and the chapter I worked on the most was the one on forgiveness.

I came across my God Box one day not long after working through Transformation for the first time. I had forgotten about it for probably five years or so. I found so many prayers answered, mostly because I had worked very hard to master forgiveness. I had forgiven my rapists. I had forgiven my abusive exes for their beatings, etc.  (I still haven't been able to forgive one of my exes whose abuse resulted in the death of our unborn son, Samuel, but I am working on that too.) When I got to the prayer about him, I realized I was ready to be willing to be willing to forgive.

That same day, during Noon meditation healing (ho'o'pono-pono style) for my sick friend Cliff (who was healed btw since then from Stage 4 Hotchkins Lymphoma) I had a vision. And, to be clear, Cliff's healing was all about HIS faith. I might have helped a little bit but his faith is Mount Everest big. So, the way I did it was, it was usually an hour-long meditation and I invited anyone from anywhere to join me, 12 noon Eastern for any needs of their heart. It was 20 minutes for Cliff, 20-30 minutes for others needing healing then 10 minutes for my abusers.

For the first two, I visualized it and did the ho'o'pono-pono chanting "I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you." which isn't necessary always. It was the way I learned it. Or, I said the Lord's Prayer too or the Prayer of Saint Francis. It doesn't matter. The words were just my anchor to keep my focus from wandering.

Then I pictured the healing this way. Light comes down from above, almost like a UFO is abducting everyone. But this light is from a source out of sight even with a telescope. And the light is healing. And each person holds out their hands and pulls the light into their own hearts. Then they pull the light out, and it's bigger now -- made bigger with their love and their intention for healing. Then all the lights float up into an area above their heads, join and then explode out. The explosion is intense love, healing, gratitude, and it's like being bathed in summer sunlight, a beloved's hug, and a cool summer breeze all at once.

I got chills head to toe every time this light exploded. It was as if, with all intentions joined, the healing was magnified exponentially. When I pictured a person being healed, they were in the middle of a standing circle of people. He or she lay on a cool marble stone, flat like a table.  They floated up with the heart-lights, then came down slowly after the explosion. Then they got up and danced with us as the music crescendoed.

During these meditations, I listened to a 10-minute musical version of the Lord's Prayer in the language Jesus spoke, Aramaic. When I did this healing meditation for my dad, he would always jump up, grab my mom's hand then run and dive into the ocean. He loved the beach and swimming in the ocean.

For the last ten minutes of the hour, the healing prayers for my abusers, I did things a bit differently. I could not look at their faces in my mind, so I made the vision on a dark beach. I stood holding a torch on a path that led to a bonfire in a clearing. They, cloaked and hooded, passed by me and went to sit by the fire one by one. Then I stood back and pictured healing light as before. I had to have this somber darkness and a boundary of sorts, with representational figures and anonymity.

One day as the last person walked by and sat down, I followed them into the clearing and sat down at the bonfire with them. In that moment of clarity, I knew I had been my own worst abuser. It was at that moment that I began taking steps toward forgiving myself.  

That was around ten years ago.  I am certain that that final step - moving to the fire, recognizing my own responsibility and need to be forgiven, led me here. It led me to a group of noble friends where I am able to receive love and friendship (mostly) without fear.  I'm so grateful to my friend today for their questions in a letter which inspired me to write this post.  I'm so grateful to this community, for this shared, sacred space of healing.

♥.  Dot