Stories of Kindness from Around the World

With All My Heart

--by dotmatrix, posted Sep 18, 2019


I'm spending the week letting go,
Letting my friends and loved ones know.
I've hurt myself with my worry and fear.
That was never why we came here. ðŸŒŽ

Slowing down again, I begin to see
That my frenzied mind never left me.
It's only a worry away, and "Worry is
Praying for what you don't want" they say.

I often feel sad, and completely alone,
But at least there is one way I've *know* I've grown
When I feel this unknowable yearning
I say, "Alone is an illusion," right?
Always learning.

Just wrote that off the top of my head as I read through a few beautiful posts here and after a brief conversation with my husband. He hurt his foot badly and thank God he took the time today to rest. But one day is all he will allow himself. He cares about his co-workers who are beyond overwhelmed. One person absent is a huge strain on the team.

I said, "I'll go to that office for 40 hours. Put me to work, no charge. I'll do all the grunt work."

He smiled. Problem is, there's no grunt work. It's all high-tech stuff. People are needed, but it's a small company and most want big-city pay. He's had 60-70 hour work weeks for months now, travel to NYC from Delaware -- 3-4 hours each way, almost every week, sometimes twice a week. He's about to collapse, but he doesn't see it.

Worry does no good. It does a heck of a lot of harm.
- it drains strength
- it's praying for what we don't want
- it wastes precious precious time

So, in this precious moment, while here, I wanted to share a little of my own journey. I have felt sick and completely useless to help him. That more than anything is hurting my heart. I used to make as much money as he did, and more. I was really good at my job, but as I wrote on Jolly's post, I didn't know how to slow down and it really hurt my body.

I recently joined a community called Noom to help get control of my health. They offer a low-priced DNA test, and I learned a few days ago when I got the results that I am one of the 15 percent of the people in the world who has a gene that causes my body to be addicted to dopamine. That means that literally anything that gives me pleasure and causes that chemical to show up in my blood has the potential to addict me. This is powerful knowledge, but it leaves me with even more questions.

This week, I've been saying goodbye to things like reading the 200 blogs to which I subscribe, and commenting. I have met some of the most fascinating and beautiful people since I started participating with bloggers two years ago or so. I've had "blogs" since 1996 -- but back then we called them websites. Instead of comments, we had guest books. I loved those connections. I didn't have the nerve to comment on modern blogs until a couple of years ago.  I'm so glad I did.  I was met with kindness and compassion and love.  Writers are awesome people. =) Artists too.  We all are basically.  We are but we so often just don't see it.  Connection like this is precious, but it takes time and energy.

I deleted my Simbi page. Another beautiful place. Alas, it's about to be monetized, but there is still a place for barter. That's not why I deleted it. I put so much work into Buttons for Benjamin and the hundreds of offered free services then got overwhelmed at the responses. I wasn't ready for it, or strong enough. Most of all, I wasn't ready for the unkindness. Is it possible to be petty and rude about a free gift? Turns out that, for some people, it definitely is. Again, not why I deleted. I just need to breathe. And 99 percent of the time, I met beautiful people to whom I am still connected.

Gaming with family, World of Warcraft. They love gaming. I love my family. But gaming is a huge trigger for dopamine production. I knew this, but now I know *why* I would get so off-balance.  It's because I'm literally made this way. That removes shame. WIN! So I allow myself an hour or two a night to spend with them. And while I'm there, I want to be UBER and the BEST or at least as good as they are. Then...I leave and remember what is important. Another game that hooked me was Skyrim because Ben played it so well, at the hardest levels, and it helped me feel close to him. But then, he did anything he tried well - piano, sales, rollerblading, Rubik's cube, chess, yo-yo's -- he had to become an expert. I suspect he has this gene too. Then, a few nights ago on Youtube, I found the background music and atmospheres from Skyrim, and now I can feel that closeness without triggering the dopamine. I can listen while cleaning my house, or cooking for my family, or finishing my books.  Gaming music is the perfect music background for work since it was literally designed to focus the mind. Finding that soundtrack was a huge win. 

Netflix binging. That was often combined with late-night snacking. Then when I found Noom, I learned to limit myself and stay within the calories and color codes. Somewhat. I still spaced, fell into shows. My body felt no pain there. Sam and Dean always get the bad guy. Nikita takes down corruption at the highest levels. My favorite President is an Independent, beautiful family man. And I can learn languages while watching, so I started dreaming in Russian again like I did in the 90's when I had a Russian teacher, or in Korean after too many sweet and completely goofy shows that had me laughing and crying at the same time. Letting that go too. I must. I don't want this chemical in my blood. I don't want addictions to anything.

It's hard to be this honest about my time wasted. It wasn't always, or even that often. But it was enough to keep me in a constant shame spiral. Now I understand. I am *done* with shame.

I went to dinner with family. It felt like they were being unkind and like it was directed at me.  It feels like they are unable to see me. Instead, they see what they think I am. Or maybe they see the lack of what they think I should be. But I have no idea. The point is, I don't see things as they are, I see them as I feel. That was a revelation for me. 

I can become what I need to be now. I'm ready. I am asking for your blessing on this new journey. It will be slow and cautious. Every step will be examined. "Will this cause my body to betray me and produce this siren in my veins?" I will pray a lot, and meditate a lot, and move my body with joy.  Food will be raw organic vegetables and fruits as much as possible.  I thrived on that last time, mostly-raw vegan diet, and I lost 80 lbs. as a bonus.  I had a beautiful mentor.  She was really sick and one day she took all her cookbooks, found her favorite recipes, then figured out how to make something like it that tastes good but that also nourishes every cell in her body.  "Light-filled food" she calls it. It took her a year to find her way to what she gifts for free to any who needs help now.  So on Pinterest, she has these lovely pages of raw, vegan recipes.  Slow down. Learn.  That's what my soul is telling me. 

I will come here once a day. I don't think Kindspring produces dopamine, but it's possible. I think it's much more likely that what is produced in my body while reading here is the nurturing hormone that comes from connection and kindness and hugs -- endorphins
(Later:  It's oxytocin, the "hug hormone"!) WIN! 

I learned that dopamine increases the grehlin (hunger) hormones in our blood and decreases leptin (the ability to know when we are satiated). This plays havoc with our eating. We don't choose food for fuel or health. We choose food to satisfy hungers that have nothing to do with our bodies. There are at least seven kinds of hunger that have nothing to do with fueling our bodies. 

I learned that one of those hungers is "soul hunger." When I looked at the moon outside my window for 18 years and could not bring myself to open the door, I sobbed, night after night. For 18 years, my body starved for moonlight and sunlight. It got it, here and there, but months went by without it. So in this quiet journey, there will be a slow adding again of both.  And because the panic is gone now and I have healed ("Transformation"), and can drive again (so grateful), that is going to be such a joy to do.

I ask your blessing as I go on this journey of healing. I thank you with all my heart for reading me tonight. I love this community. It has literally saved and has enriched my life.

I'll keep
1. Gems
3. transcribing and listening
4. Transforming my body, mind, and spirit with daily consistent acts.

*As soon as I'm stronger, that means hosting challenges again.  I'm already writing three.  But slowly!

And, of course, I'll take Mother Teresa's advice as always: "Do you want world peace? Go home and love your family."  Pouring love into their lives no matter how I do it is caring for my family. It doesn't have to be financially.  

Pouring love on myself too with this journey is going to be great. I'm really excited to start.  I'll be careful. I'll do this one moment at a time. I'll try to learn in every moment.  I'll write everything down.  This is my story. It will be my song.

I'll take you with me. =)


999 Reads
  • Posted by dotmatrix
  • Sep 18, 2019
  • 11 Smiles, 4 Comments

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