--by DotMatrix, posted Dec 1, 2020
This is the note on my Google Calendar:
Monday, December 21
"On this ☼ Day of Solstice, ☼ I vow to myself, my co-creators and our joining Divine Love to bring everything into the Light that is born from darkness. Fear. Anger. Hatred. Disappointment. Cravings (and so on). This will be my daily practice when waking every morning at dawn from this day forward. I will spend the three weeks until this day preparing a sacred space in my room and having my clothes ready to walk out and greet the dawn every day whenever possible. I'll start a new dawn series of photos and haikus to celebrate."
These are some of the dawn pix I took perhaps around ten years ago when we first moved to this town. I have grown to hate it here. Everywhere I look reminds me of Ben's loss. Of the police who -- suddenly and without explanation and after searching for him with helicopters, thermal scanners, and dogs at the park on the day he disappeared -- said they didn't believe he was missing. "He'll be back when the money runs out." They closed the case the next day after one witness said she thought she saw him maybe but she wasn't sure if it was before or after he disappeared. It took them nine months to reopen it and that's only because a retired homicide detective from Washington DC was my NameUS.gov liaison. She and the DE Medical Examiner went to bat for me and it was finally relisted as a Missing Person case. But because of this, those first precious weeks were wasted. They just stopped looking after two days. I put up posters all over town, and they were taken down. Repeatedly. I spoke to people all over town and at the park, and I put posters there too. I was told by a ranger not to do that again, or I would be fined. I am so angry. So hurt. I used to love walking on the waterfront with my family. One of my favorite photos of Ben and Kelly was taken there. Now, even though I no longer have agoraphobia or experience panic attacks, I don't even want to walk there anymore. When we walk, we drive out of town.
Some of this anger is at me. I wish I had had the courage to talk to the media immediately in those first precious days, but I didn't. Delaware Missing Persons still hasn't listed Benjamin on their website. Neither have the Delaware State Police. I wrote to the former repeatedly, but they have never responded. I called the State Police recently and was directed to an officer's email. I left a message but he hasn't returned my call. Every year I send out letters to shelters, to police, to hospitals with Ben's poster. No one ever writes back.
I have so much anger. This darkness is inside me is growing with every passing year, and it has to change. I have to find a way back to the light. I want to move out of this town, and will, but that will take a long time. In the meantime, I have to find a way to live in the light and celebrate everything I have.
I didn't expect to share all this today but now that I have, I thank you for reading it if you have. If you feel like sending light, please do. This anger and hatred are eating away at me, and I can feel it. It's creating disease in my body along with dis-ease.