What If (2)
--by dotmatrix, posted Jun 15, 2021
A dear friend gave me a safe place to express these thoughts this morning. (Thank you S.). I want to share it with my tribe now.
God has been my constant love and dearest friend since I was a little girl in a sea of terror. God is why I survived.
Yet what God looked like or felt like, what I believed or said about him/her evolved over my lifetime.
There was a point in my life when I was sure God was a lie. God didn't move away or turn her back. I did. God waited patiently.
When I look back at the path my life has taken, I see God through it all. I see God's love everywhere.
I found my way back, and this time it was different. I had shed the detritus of my past that were like scaffolding over a masterpiece. God. Now I saw God everywhere, in everyone.
"What if God was one of us?"
I've had so many beautiful teachers along the way. But, for most (5/6th?) of my life, I was still entrenched in my body and believed I wasn't good enough. The light (love) of God called me, healed me.
Friends showed me the way, especially one dear friend who tithes her life to God daily by meditating 2.5 hours a day (so 10 percent of her 24 hours/day). The first time I heard her voice on a podcast in 2010, all the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. I not only heard God in her voice. I felt God move through my entire being.
I began reading everything she ever wrote. I would say that she has taught me more about being a friend than anyone I have ever met. Yet we met only once IRL as they say. God shone so brightly through her that all doubt was gone. Even more incredibly, my friend saw through all the layers of my fear to the God in me. She never believed me when my fear was talking. She never turned away. She was patient.
I was terrified of loving her, or anyone. Eventually, I found my way back to God. To love. I felt my heart opening, felt the ocean of fear draining, day by day. My friend and I don't speak often, but I love talking to her when we do. When I reach out to her, it's like diving into love again, into God. I know we'll be friends forever. I believe we've been friends forever.
Then I found Kindspring. Talk about a collection of love and light. It was hard to not run, and sometimes I did. I kept coming back. Every post was an act of courage, yet (as you know) all were received with love. You didn't believe me when my fear was talking. You were patient. You saw God in me.
I longed for a romantic partner who would love God. It seemed to be that that would be the best kind of relationship -- body, mind, and spirit in sync. Yet I believe we choose -- if we follow our hearts -- exactly who and what we need. By observing my husband over the past 20+ years, I have learned that God shows up in all of us in different ways. In him, God was his hard work, his unconditional love, his belief in me, no matter how sick or afraid I was. Day after day, year after year.
I have three sisters. We all found God in our own way. My younger sis, the middle girl, is a fundamental Christian minister. My baby sis is a very passionate Jehovah's Witness. I'm...what am I? As the Dalai Lama said so well, "My religion is kindness."
I know you can relate.
Namaste is such a beautiful word, isn't it? "The spirit in me salutes the spirit in you." When I look at you, I see you. I see you, my beloved God.
Continued from What If.