Stories of Kindness from Around the World

To Be Present for Mom


--by cf, posted Sep 7, 2013
My mom turned 70 last year and was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease four years ago. Through some unfortunate investments, she lost most of her money and is in debt. She lives by herself, and some distance from me. Door to door, I need three hours to get to her.

In the last year, some of her friends have contacted me, inquiring about her, as she withdrew from most of her social contacts. She just stopped answering the phone and letters. After a year of this, I was getting worried she was depressed.

I don't view depression that negatively. My take on depression differs from the mainstream insofar as I consider it an opportunity to delve deeper into oneself. But with Parkinson's, you need to stay active, otherwise you loose your abilities more quickly. And if you don't move enough, there's always the danger of a stroke by thrombosis.

So I decided to visit her to check out for myself, face-to-face, how she was doing. It's always different being present with somebody. I wanted to see her skin, her eyes, the way she moved, what her flat looked like, what she would smell like - all that would tell me more about her state than whatever she would talk to me about on the phone.

I mentioned this to my brother during one of our rare phone calls. As a manager who just jumped a couple of rungs on the career ladder, time is scarce for him. But this time, we ended up talking for two and a half hours.

We shared our concerns, our wishes for my mom's well-being. Both of us wanted to be able to spend more time with her, to be closer to her. We both want her to be as happy as possible, and to be as well-cared for as possible.

We found out that the "worst-case scenario" we both vaguely feared was only a fata morgana. Because, as we told each other, my mom had health insurance, my brother was-- if all went well-- only going to earn more money, not less (and was more than willing to pitch in so she would get great care), and I was willing to get involved, to take care.

There was a lot of love and willingness to give and change so that our mother would have a good life, whatever her financial and physical handicaps. If push comes to shove, we'll see what we can truly put into action, as both of us enjoy lives of our own. But our mom is a very important part of our life, and knowing she's fine and happy would only make us happier.

On a practical level, my brother told me to keep an open mind about my mom's reasons for being so sedate. I did, and ended up having a great and lovely visit with her. We had some cake and tea, chatted some, had a nap cuddling together on her bed, and then I journeyed back home again.

She later called me to tell me she'd felt invigorated by my visit and was up for cooking good meals for herself again. Being touched had also felt good to her.

My brother is going to send me money so that I can make the journey to see her once a month, as he doesn't have the time himself. It feels good, to know we're together in this.
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Readers Comments

Rita wrote: 3 hours is not that long to drive to be by someone. What if they lived on another continent? I once drove 1 1/2 hours to my mom's place and drove back another 1 and 1/2 hours, in the same day. Wasn't that bad at all. Now if i move to another city, it would take me 15 1/2 hrs. To drive there and 15 1/2 hrs. Back. So you can see theres a big difference. I'd much rather drive only 3 hrs. , then 15 1/2 hrs. Each way! Plus she can have a break and not drive 3 hrs. There and 3 hrs. Back. I hope you can find the time to visit your mom twice a month! It would be so worth it! You are so fortunate too have your mom with you. If your brother bought his mom a smartphone, then you could text each other for free with text+.
IhanaElama wrote: You are doing such a valuable thing! I wish i will have a daughter like you, when i'm old :) my grandmother also had parkinson's and she passed away while i was living abroad. I wish i had been more present in her life.
Rita wrote: I see no reason at all that your mom couldn't live with you. Then you can help her if she needs it. That would help her a lot. Go to nuts. Com and look in the organic section for a good selection of inexpensive, very healthy treats/goodies. I know i get too busy to do what i want lots of times, but couldn't your brother put everything aside at least once a month, and go visit his mom? Maybe he can, if your mom could room with you!
jsmc10 wrote: You're so wonderful helping your mum :) I like your perspective on depression, it is hard to see it like that when you are feeling so depressed though :/
AURELIA wrote: 3 Hours is a long way. I know how you feel about the separation. I am 16 hours from my dad. Your brother is wonderful to support you and help you to get to see your mum. Enjoy your time together and take lots of photos. One day your memories and photos will bring you great comfort when you think you didnt do enough...you will see you did lots! :0) I hope you share many more SMILEY days together! ~Aurelia
cf wrote: Thanks for your comments, Aurelia, jsmc, Mish. It's because I really want to make the journey TOGETHER with her that I would love for her to live with me, and that is such a miracle after many, many estranged years where our roles were reversed... Thanks for the idea with the pictures, I just got a smartphone (present from my brother) and will do so next time I see her! Once a month now, yippee.
MakeSomeoneSmile wrote: Bless you cf for your wonderful approach to this. I am sure spending some time with you like that mattered so much, as you saw from her being invigorated! It makes so much of a difference and good for both you and your brother for your loving kindness! :)
Mish wrote: Having made the "aging parent journey" with my mom, I am glad have your brother to share this with.
There were many "gifts" along with the stress for me in our journey & I wish you all a "kind" journey together. Bless you for caing as you do for your mom.

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